分卷阅读33（1 / 2）

The thing about the article is that it’s showing the whole world a part of themselves that they haven’t even sat down and talked about, only danced around, like it’s a flame that’s fun to chase but would burn them if they got too close. Draco doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up, but it seems like neither does Harry, so they just go about their day, and the whole time that article is in the back of Draco’s mind, making him think that they really, really should talk.

And also that maybe they shouldn’t talk, because if they start talking then they were going to come to an unavoidable conclusion: that maybe the Witch Weekly lady was right, and they’re just pushing off the inevitable, and that everyone around them knows what they are both so desperately trying to get away with not talking about, because they’re afraid that one of them will want to walk away. But at this point, where they dance with each other in front of everyone and share a bed and spend most of their time with each other, maybe it’s more stupid than anything else to go on thinking that they don’t have feelings for each other.

And then what, Draco? The voice pops up again, and Draco tries to quiet it, he really does try, he hates the voice and what it says and the things it makes him think about himself, and he hates it even more because when he takes a step back to look at things objectively, it’s not like its wrong. It’s only telling the truth that everyone else is too polite to say. You go on a date and everything’s good for a day, or a week, or a month, but then you get in a fight and he remembers who you are, what you’ve done, and the next minute you find yourself in a cell in Azkaban and even worse than you started. You can’t fool yourself that anyone would have cared about you if Harry doesn’t.

Which is the truth, and also why he can’t be the person to talk about it. He can’t because he’s afraid, and because even though he loves him, even though he’s fairly sure Harry loves him back, Draco has to live with the fact that he is here and free all because of Harry, that this is a debt he will never be able to pay back, and that he should be on his knees groveling for his forgiveness, that he has no right to even exist. If he were to take a chance, it might be fine for a while, but a few mistakes down the road and this nice protection that Harry has given him will go up in smoke like it’s not even there. He is free with Harry’s blessing, and nothing more, and no matter what Draco had thought before or how much less threatening Azkaban is now that it lacks dementors, he cannot give up freedom now that he has a sense to know what it means.

So he reads the paper instead.

About how Harry and Ginny broke up, only to be replaced by Luna days later in the aftermath of the war. About the sentencing hearing and how Harry stood up, which started a whole other article speculating about whether they had been together before that, maybe even back at their Hogwarts days, and some kids he had never talked to wormed their way into a minute of fame to tell the press that it was definitely a possibility, which, hello, Harry almost killed him in their sixth year, and it wasn’t even on accident. Then it goes on to talk about the places they had been sighted together and how last night was their first real public announcement, and by the end of it, Draco could almost be convinced of it himself.

He wants to be convinced of it.

He wants it to be real, wants it in a way that makes him ache, and just for a moment as he closes the paper, he thinks that Azkaban cannot be worse than this.

What’s the point of playing it safe if you never learn what it feels like to burn, anyways?

They still sleep together.

Draco had been afraid they wouldn’t, and since it is one of the days that they sleep in Harry’s room, it is up to Draco to decide whether or not he will be brave enough to try. He knows that Harry will be kind about it, make an excuse about wanting to stay up late or having a head ache, but both of them will know, and Draco didn’t want to face that. He stands outside his room for a while, long enough that the ticking of his clock is starting to drive him insane, but then he shifts his weight and the boards creak under his feet and he knows that it is pointless to keep waiting, since Harry knows he is there anyways.

“Hey.” He knocks and then pushes the door the rest of the way open, hesitating in the doorway. “Do you still want to…”

He trails off, and Harry glares at him. His hair is even messier than usual. Draco, on the other hand, looks even more put together.

“Shut up.” He throws the blankets in what was probably meant to be a sign of welcome but was really just angry looking. “Get over here.”

Draco doesn’t argue, just crosses the room and then crawls into bed, and then starts the routine of counting Harry’s breaths until he can fall asleep. But that doesn’t work, because Harry is angry and Draco can tell, so he punches the pillow flat and lies on his back to follow the cracks cutting apart the ceiling like a spiderweb, hoping that might work, too.

It doesn’t.

There’s a paper sitting on the nightstand, he notices. It’s dark, but he can still make out the headline in glowing print and he knows that Harry must have been reading their article up until the moment that he heard Draco outside the door. “Is it because of me?”

He hadn’t meant to talk about it. He didn’t want to make things bad for either of them. He didn’t want Azkaban, didn’t want this final sign that he was never going to reach redemption. Draco’s learned that if Harry gives up on you, then maybe you aren’t worth saving.

“What?”